i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
