people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
