Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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