so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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