Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
