you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
