Three words: puerto rican gang bang
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
found the other keg... it's in the tree
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Randomize
