I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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