Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
