I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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