I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
