Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Randomize
