This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
