I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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