Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
