No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
