my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
