they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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