my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
