No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
