I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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