theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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