I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
