I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
