Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
