Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Randomize
