I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
