tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
