Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
