I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
