therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
