I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
