I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize