Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
