Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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