I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
