girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
