Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Randomize
