If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
