as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
