I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
