OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
