I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
He passed out mid-signature
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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