she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I need to calm my uterus...
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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