I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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