Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
