Sry I called you an 8
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
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