Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
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