i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
