Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
