Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
