I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
