dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Randomize