i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
