I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Randomize
