I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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