i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I just found puke in my bra..
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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